Where have I been?

It’s time to fess up and say sorry!

Pretending to be a superwoman, I’m juggling work, friends, family and dating with one hand whilst the other craves to return to the theatre blogging scene. Life is currently eat, sleep, work, repeat.

Staying focused on the marketing job that pays the bills, today has been a “low mood” day despite the first sighting of sunshine! Pretending to be a “social butterfly”, my wings have lost their energetic spark and I just want to chill out in my cocoon for a bit. I must admit this is the first day where I’ve had nothing to do, except mope and take it out on the hoover.

I’ve learnt how to cope with these foul mood days by simply accepting them. Holding my hands high and laughing at my temper tantrums, I’ve learnt from the every best drama queens. Gallivanting all over town, I forget I actually have a room to keep tidy, ironing to do and meet up with family and friends. As Rag’n’Bone Man says “I’m only human, I do what I can”, perhaps this is my day where I should reflect upon my life’s awesome turnaround.

I’m so grateful and blessed for all the training opportunities, show invitations and blogger hangouts I’ve attended so far. Making new friends and learning from professionals, I shut out the old shy girl. I even won VIP tickets to the BAFTAs last week – thanks EE!

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But let’s face it though – social media is built on the “show off” platform. This broadcasting of “look at me” can be so artificial and I’ve often told myself off for feeding its ugly head. Makes a little sick to think of myself as a “brand” and pressure of “gaining more followers”, but I continue to stay true to myself. I guess it’s called self-preservation, it’s okay to think about yourself from time to time. Sometimes my mind has little pet talks whilst sitting in my theatre seat – “Are you okay, Emma?”, “Do you feel safe?”, and “Walk away if you’re not enjoying it”. I’ve never been my own supporter, but I’m happy to wave the flag for others.

I used to be a people pleaser, worried about what others thought of me, but now I’m like “I’m doing my own thing!” I like to say that statement is 100% true, but I’m not a complete diva, not even if I tried. Always there to help a friend in need, I like supporting people who are wanting to experience happiness in their lives.

Sometimes my reality can bite back with negativity though, including depression and anxiety attacks. Behind every smile, there is a story to tell, a past that haunts and a survivor who still stands. So to commemorate my “low mood day”, I’m sharing this video I made for Time to Talk Day 2017. After posting it on my Facebook, my family and friends have been so supportive. Although the Time to Talk Day happened ages ago, I think it’s so important to keep talking about mental health.

I’ve always found things easier when I write it down so I wrote a letter (but in this case an email) to my 13 year old self (my most vulnerable time!). Pure classic Emma style – I mucked up my words a few times (that’s dyslexia for you!), but I was so determined for no edits so I pray you make some sense of it! Sorry for the false hope if not.

To be honest with you, I’ve thought about jacking this blog in and just getting on with a “normal” life offline. I even started to think I’m too old to write like a cool blogger. But then I remembered theatre saved my life and I owe it to myself to continue exploring the arts scene and writing on this very blog. So that’s what I shall do! Time to get the diary filled with some awesome shows and events!

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